How to put this? The people below are CNN anchors. Anchors are not real journalists. Not really. They only play journalists on TV. Anyone who’s ever worked in TV news knows this. Okay. Maybe they used to be journalists. Can we just not argue about this? So here’s the question: who would these people be outside the world of pretend—outside the weird and shiny world of television? Who would they be in real life?
Paula Zahn: Owner, Christmas store, Albuquerque, New Mexico; two daughters: Bradley and Norris, (both “gifted”); wealthy married boyfriend; owns a horse.
Anderson Cooper: Vitamin company sales rep., Denver, Colorado; plays the field; owns own home; straight; one son: Zane (who lives with his mom in Germany).
Larry King: retired owner of car-wash chain, Miami, Florida; sold business for $3.3 million; favourite song: Lady in Red; has personal trainer; dating.
Wolf Blitzer: Audi salesman, Los Angeles, California; two Yorkshire terriers: Wee Wee and Paprika; active in local theatre; sense of humour: has a needlepoint pillow that reads, “If you have nothing nice to say, come and sit by me.”
Soledad O’Brien: Social Studies teacher, Grades 7 to 9, Oakland, California; drives a PT Cruiser (red); favourite show: Seinfeld; recently tried speed dating; smokes.
Miles O’Brien: Pool cleaner, Portland, Oregon; wife (Kim) trying to start catering business; twin boys: Kevin and Bryce; putting on a new deck; medicated for anxiety.
Carol Lin: Real estate agent, commercial properties (photo on bus benches), Los Angeles, California; on third marriage; two cats: Chakra and Chan; doesn’t speak to parents (toxic).
Aaron “Anchor Emeritus” Brown: Chiropractor, Los Angeles, California; business card reads: “Ask me about weight loss”; deviated septum; large unfurnished luxury condo, huge TV; no living relatives.
