Fiction

St. Patrick’s Day

Tough luck o’ the Irish. NMA nominee: Humour

From: Patrick [[email protected]]
To: God [[email protected]]
Cc: [[email protected]]
Subject: March 17
>>>>>
>>>>>Dear God,
>>>>>
>>>>>My day, March 17th, is upon us once again, and
>>>>>once again I have only one question: how did my
>>>>>banishing all snakes from Ireland and, among
>>>>>other things, enduring six years in captivity as
>>>>>well as hearing the word of the Almighty, turn
>>>>>into one night of binge drinking by people with
>>>>>last names such as Lapano and Kowalski who
>>>>>finish the evening projectile-vomiting green-
>>>>>coloured lager? As I recall, when the day was
>>>>>first discussed, we talked about a literary theme
>>>>>(Ireland produces a lot of writers) or maybe an
>>>>>environmental motif. What did I do to deserve
>>>>>this?
>>>>>
>>>>>P.

From: God [[email protected]]
To: Patrick [[email protected]]
Cc: [[email protected]]
Subject: Re: March 17
>>>>
>>>>Dear Patrick,
>>>>
>>>>I hear you, but what can I say? It’s called “Free
>>>>Will.” If I made everyone do everything I wanted,
>>>>they would never learn how to do it themselves.
>>>>Re our initial discussions: I remind you that
>>>>when you chose March 17 (the date of your
>>>>departure from the mortal world), I said it
>>>>would be a hard one to pull off. The weather is
>>>>too unpredictable, for starters. Also, it comes a
>>>>little quick after Val’s day. Speaking of which, a bit
>>>>of innovation can go a long way. Val tapped into
>>>>that whole mass-production-of-paper thing, and
>>>>it worked out very well for him. As for Nick, he
>>>>goes out the entire night and gives presents to
>>>>every kid in the world. If I recall last March 17,
>>>> you were home watching the Lakers.
>>>>
>>>>Best
>>>>G-Man

From: Paul [[email protected]]
To: Patrick [[email protected]]
Cc: God [[email protected]] ; [[email protected]]
Subject: Re: Re: March 17
>>>
>>>Dear Pat,
>>>
>>>If you are so unhappy, you are more than welcome to
>>>join those of us who DO NOT have our own holidays,
>>>on November 1, All Saints’ Day. Here’s what you have
>>>to look forward to: rain, no kids happy about
>>>us, no treats, no presents, a bunch of broken
>>>pumpkins everywhere. Come by any time.
>>>
>>>Best regards
>>>Paul : (

From: Patrick [[email protected]]
To: Paul [[email protected]]; [[email protected]]
Cc: God [[email protected]]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: March 17
>>
>>Paul and Company,
>>
>>It’s not about who gets what. It’s about a religious
>>holiday that is now a drunken orgy. There’s a difference.
>>But what gets to me is I never really drank!!!
>>
>>P.

From: Paul [[email protected]]
To: Patrick [[email protected]]
Cc: God [[email protected]] ; [[email protected]]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: March 17
>
>Dear Pat,
>
>Whatever.
>
>Paul

From: God [[email protected]]
To: Patrick [[email protected]]; Paul [[email protected]]
Cc: [[email protected]]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: March 17
All right guys, this is getting out of hand . . .
Patrick, let me remind you that in Ireland some folks
still go to church and take the day pretty seriously, at
least as seriously as the Irish can take things. Also, show
me a person with a hangover and I will show you a person
who is penitent, and show me a penitent and I’ll show you
a person on his or her way to church. So, while numbers
on the actual day may be down, bums-in-pews-wise,
Thomas More in marketing tells me they are way up on
the 18th.

As for All Saints’ — as I have said before, this is a
marathon, not a sprint. You’ll each get your days.
Remember the Feast of St. Peter in Chains? I didn’t
think so but it was huge in the eighth century.
On a more jovial note, Bernie is having his usual St.
Pat’s shindig tomorrow. If you can make it, RSVP to
[[email protected]].

G-Man